Setting Boundaries
For those of us that are caretakers it can be exhausting to maintain the energy to continually focus on the other. There can be a feeling that their needs come first, that our own needs come last on the to do list (see the Paradox of Self-Care). When our focus is on the obligations we feel to work or family or whatever, it can lead to feeling resentful or dreading the very actions we feel that we must complete. In this place we can lose our sense of compassion in the wider world.
Brené Brown is a world-renowned social scientist and researcher who has explored how compassion is related to boundaries. She has found that the most compassionate people are also had the most boundaries. It appears that maintaining boundaries helps avoid feelings of resentment, allowing room for compassion.
According to Brené’s research, compassionate people “assume other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and don’t put up with a lot of crap”. Assuming that people are doing their best without setting boundaries and looking after yourself, is another route into resentment, judgement and misunderstandings. We’re not our best selves when we’re coming from this place.
So how do we know what our boundaries are? Start with some simple self-reflection. Ask yourself these questions:
• What do I need right now?
• Where do I feel resentment, obligation, or resistance?
• What feeds/nourishes me?
The intention with boundaries is to define what is ok and what is not for you. Boundaries can be hard and constant or adjust to your time and energy. The big thing is to take time to clearly identify the margins of what you are able to do with the resources you have.
It’s hard not to feel guilty when you say “no” though. Here are some ideas on how to state your boundaries to others:
• Notice the no’s: Saying no rarely leads to vendettas or blood feuds. It’s more common and less risky than you think.
• Buy time: I’m not sure I can summarize this one right now. I’ll get back to you later.
• Have a “policy”: Sorry, but it’s my policy to never summarize the third point.
• Be a “broken record”: I can’t summarize this. I can’t summarize this. I can’t summarize this.
• Use a “relational account”: If I summarized this for you I wouldn’t have time to summarize for others.
• Make a counteroffer: I can’t summarize this, but I can link you to another blog that will.'
Overall, give yourself a break. You do not have to be all supportive, constantly consistent, or even quick to reply (I tell myself this often ;). Having clear boundaries help you maintain your own energy AND let’s others know what to expect from you. Give it a try and see what happens.