The Struggle is Real (Making space for difficult emotions)
There seems to be no stopping the avalanche of events in life. There seems to always be some tragedy, some fight, some loss that has the power to overwhelm our minds and emotions. What can we do when the struggle is real?
If the idea that we are all born with a set point of happiness is true, I would say that I’m lucky to be a generally happy person. My tendency is to be optimistic, and my negative moods are short lived. I don’t like to feel angry or frustrated or sad or hopeless – so I try not to linger there long. But there are times I struggle with difficult emotions, times when I cannot distract or just “get through” them to find my happy again. When I take a moment to reflect, most of my methods of getting over anger, sadness, or hopelessness are really efforts to avoid feeling. This may be a common human experience.
Yoga philosophy has the term samskara to describe the habit patterns of our minds, learned from experience and training. I like to think our minds are hyper-efficient, looking for the most direct route to achieve thinking. In this way, we develop habits of thinking to create short cuts so that we don’t have to rethink/relearn every time we are met with a stimulus. The downside of this method is that habits require less active awareness we have over the way our thoughts – and often follow up actions – flow. (Read lovely article “What are samskaras and how do they affect us.”)
All of this is to say that I have habit patterns around experiencing difficult emotions. I tend to avoid the negative feelings. If I’m angry I go for a walk. If I’m frustrated, I clean a closet. If I am sad, I count my blessings (connect to gratitude). If I am feeling hopeless, I go out into nature or look at images of the universe to gain perspective on the size of this moment. These are all useful coping tools to avoid getting stuck in rumination, but they do not give time to be in the emotion that is coming up. The practice of meditation can be a safe place to explore feelings, especially the difficult ones.
The power of meditation practice is to cultivate a mindset to allow for ALL the feelings. Mindfulness is the practice of observing what comes up and learning to see clearly so that we may act on purpose (instead of habitual, thought free reactions) - this is the work of meditation. “Mindfulness practice isn’t meant to eliminate thinking but aims rather to help us know what we’re thinking when we’re thinking it, just as we want to know what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it” (Salzberg, 2013). The idea is that each emotion that arises is telling us something. We do not need to fix or change anything. No emotion is “bad” - whatever comes up, comes up for us.
This practice of creating a safe space to pay attention and experience all emotions allows for clarity. We can better understand what is pushing us to react and give some space to be more thoughtful in our responses - building the skill of equanimity. This practice can help us see beyond judgment and self-interest, to realize that we are choosing instead of reacting. Taking time to develop a safe place to open our hearts and minds to the fullness of our experience. This is the potential of mindfully being present for all that we are feeling.
Listen to this Meditation for being present with and nurturing difficult emotions.